How to deal with a non-seeker


"The health of any relationship depends greatly on communication and met needs."

PERSPECTIVE

A non-seeker is someone who is not trying to understand you but is rather challenging you to get them to understand. It may feel like they're being evasive even when they're presenting as trying to understand. When you encounter a non-seeker you can see them as needing help or as using a tactic to avoid an exchange of empathy.

Understanding is like climbing a mountain. You won't reach the top immediately, but you will notice when the spikes take hold. You will recognize points of progress through a healthy projection-process-reflection cycle. As one person explains themselves, the other person will process the information, attempting to align it with their past lived experiences in an effort to reflect understanding. A non-seeker does not process the information in an effort to align it with lived experiences but instead uses questions as an off-ramp to demonstrate the complexity of understanding. This is a tactic I call The Dancing Hunter. The Dancing Hunter, who feels unsafe exchanging energy or extending empathy, has a goal of isolation. "Get your feelings off me."

REFLECT: The next time you encounter a non-seeker, The Dancing Hunter, ask yourself, "Are they trying to understand me?" and trust your judgment.


BEHAVIOR

Do you know when you're dealing with someone who's withholding empathy? Do you recognize when someone else is trying to understand you or simply avoiding accountability or validation? Encountering this kind of behavior repeatedly can lead anyone to question their own inner judgment and trust. If you've been made to feel too complicated, too sensitive, or too much in *any way*, this trick is for you.

TRY: The next time you suspect someone is evading understanding, validation, or accountability, say, "You'll get it if you want to. You'll care if you want to."

People know what sad, mad, angry, hurt, etc feel like. If you express your feelings to someone and you're met with arguments, comparisons, or defensiveness, that person is isolating. They'll connect if they want to.


THIS WEEK FROM TML

Experiencing a relationship with someone who's isolating? Check out these articles 👇🏻

✨NEW EPISODE✨ Check out this week's episode of The Pursuit of You podcast where we dive into what it means to deal with a non-seeker and how you can respond.

Thank you so much for being here. I hope this was helpful for you and I'd love to hear your feedback!

Let me know how this perspective or behavior shift helps you.
Email me anytime at hello@themiddaylatte.com or find me on IG @joscelynkate.

And don't forget to check out TML's Favorites to find all the latest on my book reviews and product recommendations to bring you more peace of mind. 🫶🏻

You're beautiful, don't forget it.

In warmth & growth,
Joscelyn Kate

p.s. Check out TML's Yoga section for more on Oracle Card Readings, Yoga in-person and via zoom, guided meditations and more.

Helping You Cultivate Healthy Self-Focus

Hi I’m Joscelyn, a recovering codependent, people-pleaser, and perfectionist turned Master Mindfulness Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Yoga Instructor, and Certified Ritual Guide. I help people let go of toxic habits, situations, and relationships. Check out past editions and sign up below.

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